"N, you've been gone for over a year. Are you okay?"
Maybe you haven't been wondering about this, but I thought you might have missed me. In any case, there's something I've been dying to tell you for over a year, and I just didn't know how to start. Here goes nothing...
Humans can become addicted to things or people. Addictions often start as habits; I'm no scientist, but this is something I've seen, lived through, and experienced from an outside perspective. It makes me wonder how we end up relying on things or people as if our lives depend on them. I've watched documentaries where abusers couldn't let go of their victims. I've met men I couldn't go a day without talking to, even though I didn't want to date them (don't ask, I've been through it before). I've also met men who couldn't go weeks without using drugs.
Imagine planning a wedding, looking forward to spending forever with your person, and then finding out they are addicted to coke. You’re not even sure if it’s crack or cocaine. The adrenaline coursing through my veins as I climbed the stairs to confront my ex was fueled by fear. My heart raced, my thoughts were scattered, and countless questions swirled in my mind. The first question that escaped my lips was, "Were you going to raise our children with this in our home?" Out of all the things I could have asked, this was the one that came to mind first. We were supposed to be starting a new chapter together, with children and all the dreams a husband-and-wife share. Instead, I stood there, watching everything I had worked hard for crumble before my eyes.
Suddenly, everything made sense. The nights he claimed to be depressed, the nights he wanted to be alone, and the nights he didn’t feel well and needed to rest—they all added up now. I understood why we rarely dressed up and went out with our friends or on dates. His addiction had been the silent saboteur of our relationship, and I had been too blind to see it.
This post feels as chaotic as my mind was a couple of years ago. Will I return to share more details? I have no idea.
The signs are always there. God is always speaking, using people and our current situations, but I was too blinded by love to recognize my reality. Perhaps I wanted the relationship so desperately that I failed to see it was falling apart.
Reflecting on it now, I realize how deep in denial I was. Love can be blinding, making it difficult to see the truth, even when it’s right in front of us. I was so focused on building a future that I ignored the cracks forming in our present. It’s a painful lesson, but one that has opened my eyes to the importance of being aware, of listening to the signs, and of understanding that true love doesn’t come with such devastating secrets.
To the person reading this, I pray you see as God wants you to see.
I pray you avoid delays because you're acting by your will and not of Gods will.
May God our Father give us eyes to see and appreciate His plans for us. May all addictions be broken today, and may we be directed to have faith that allows us to want what our dear Father in Heaven wants for us.
Amen.
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