Entry 20- Losing to Gain

Lately, I've been writing a lot. Some might wonder if I'm okay. The answer is yes (took a couple of days to come to this realization to be very honest). I'm more than okay—I'm growing, reflecting, and realigning my focus. There's a lesson in this for all of us, especially as Christians navigating a world full of opinions and expectations.

If I don’t write, it’s a problem. If I write, it’s still a problem. This made me realize something profound: no matter what I do, I can't please everyone. And that's okay. As a Christian woman, my worth isn’t dictated by the approval of others. Instead, it lies in the unchanging love of God.

We live in a world where external validation is often prioritized. But our focus should be on the One who loves us unconditionally. Whether we’re producing or not, His love remains steadfast. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive to produce or achieve. As children of God, we are called to fulfill His perfect will. But it means our motivation and self-worth shouldn’t hinge on worldly approval.

In the past few days, I've had a real awakening. It's a reminder to fix our gaze on the King and move accordingly. When we align ourselves with God's purpose, we find true fulfillment. We should focus on living out His mandate, producing fruit in line with His will, and not getting lost in the noise of external expectations.

This journey of realignment and focus isn’t easy, but it's worth it. By focusing on God and His love for us, we find strength, purpose, and peace. We learn to produce not for the applause of the world but for the glory of the King.

So, whether you're writing, creating, or simply living day by day, remember this: your value is in God’s love. 

To the one reading this, fix yourself! I pray you focus on the King and move forward in His perfect will. Do not be hard on yourself. Please embrace the journey of growth and let your life be a testament to His unending love and grace.

Amen.

Entry 19- God & Therapy

Today, I took a significant step towards more healing by booking a therapy session. 

Did I break down? Yes, I did. 

Did I understand why? Yes. 

Did I want to be there? Not really. 

I kept telling myself I was fine for the past two years, convincing myself repeatedly.

I realized today that I miss the innocence of dating, a time when I had few insecurities, fears, or doubts. I could fall in love completely and enjoy the process—then adulthood and heartbreak changed everything.

Many Christians are hesitant about seeking therapy, believing that faith in God should suffice. Ed Stetzer, a Christian blogger and author, points out that churches often treat mental health issues differently, assuming it stems from only deeper spiritual struggles.

The truth is that mental and spiritual struggles are interconnected. We are complex beings, intricately connected in spirit, soul, body, and mind. If we dismiss mental health issues and attribute them solely to spiritual deficiencies, we risk committing spiritual abuse.

It's easy to blame my past for everything that has happened, but I know I need to take responsibility and move forward. I must let go of the past and allow God to guide my steps. It's time to be intentional, patient, and surrender everything to God.

To whoever is reading this, I pray you find healing from your painful past. 

I pray you can function without the burden of overthinking. I pray you live your life with God as your guide. I pray you release the guilt from past mistakes. You are loved and deserve to be loved.

Amen.

Entry 18- Lesson Learnt

I learned something new today about self-perception and how others perceive us. Thinking too highly of oneself elevates us above others in importance, making others’ needs, gifts, ideas, and positions seem less vital. This kind of thinking has often caused issues within the church.

Equally dangerous, however, is seeing oneself too lowly. From personal experience, I’ve allowed myself to believe I am unattractive and unworthy of compliments. There is a sort of “feigned lowliness” that is more common than genuine self-loathing among believers.

Lately, I’ve been filling conversations with phrases like, “I’m so fat,” “I’m so stupid,” and “I couldn’t possibly contribute,” subconsciously fishing for compliments. This is a form of pride that seeks validation through forced praise. It becomes clear that this is feigned lowliness by the small, small anger that arises when someone refuses to engage or agrees with these negative assessments.

However, some individuals genuinely view themselves in a sinfully low light. Inactivity in spiritual matters fueled by feelings of worthlessness is also sinful. After all, hasn’t the Lord empowered each believer with spiritual gifts meant to build up the local body and glorify His Name? We must not despise the gift or the Giver through wrong thinking.

These insights came to me during two very different interactions I had while out with my mum. One made me question myself, and the other made me realize how amazing I am. But then I wondered, is this from God or from self? I later had another conversation with my mum about trauma and triggers, which I will share when led—please, we do as led over here. LOL.

To the person reading this, I pray you see your worth as God sees it. 

I pray you avoid bringing yourself down by focusing on yourself and the world.

May God our Father give us eyes to see and appreciate His creation as He does. May the spirit of self-first be removed from us today.

Amen.

Entry 17- An Addiction

"N, you've been gone for over a year. Are you okay?"

Maybe you haven't been wondering about this, but I thought you might have missed me. In any case, there's something I've been dying to tell you for over a year, and I just didn't know how to start. Here goes nothing...

Humans can become addicted to things or people. Addictions often start as habits; I'm no scientist, but this is something I've seen, lived through, and experienced from an outside perspective. It makes me wonder how we end up relying on things or people as if our lives depend on them. I've watched documentaries where abusers couldn't let go of their victims. I've met men I couldn't go a day without talking to, even though I didn't want to date them (don't ask, I've been through it before). I've also met men who couldn't go weeks without using drugs. 

Imagine planning a wedding, looking forward to spending forever with your person, and then finding out they are addicted to coke. You’re not even sure if it’s crack or cocaine. The adrenaline coursing through my veins as I climbed the stairs to confront my ex was fueled by fear. My heart raced, my thoughts were scattered, and countless questions swirled in my mind. The first question that escaped my lips was, "Were you going to raise our children with this in our home?" Out of all the things I could have asked, this was the one that came to mind first. We were supposed to be starting a new chapter together, with children and all the dreams a husband-and-wife share. Instead, I stood there, watching everything I had worked hard for crumble before my eyes.

Suddenly, everything made sense. The nights he claimed to be depressed, the nights he wanted to be alone, and the nights he didn’t feel well and needed to rest—they all added up now. I understood why we rarely dressed up and went out with our friends or on dates. His addiction had been the silent saboteur of our relationship, and I had been too blind to see it.

This post feels as chaotic as my mind was a couple of years ago. Will I return to share more details? I have no idea. 

The signs are always there. God is always speaking, using people and our current situations, but I was too blinded by love to recognize my reality. Perhaps I wanted the relationship so desperately that I failed to see it was falling apart.

Reflecting on it now, I realize how deep in denial I was. Love can be blinding, making it difficult to see the truth, even when it’s right in front of us. I was so focused on building a future that I ignored the cracks forming in our present. It’s a painful lesson, but one that has opened my eyes to the importance of being aware, of listening to the signs, and of understanding that true love doesn’t come with such devastating secrets.

To the person reading this, I pray you see as God wants you to see.

I pray you avoid delays because you're acting by your will and not of Gods will.

May God our Father give us eyes to see and appreciate His plans for us. May all addictions be broken today, and may we be directed to have faith that allows us to want what our dear Father in Heaven wants for us.

Amen.